JOKES

  SMART BABE

A couple was watching a Premier League match together. After five minutes:

Wife: Is that Saint Obi?
Husband: No. He is Michel Obi. Saint Obi is a Nollywood Actor.
Wife: Michel Obi is smart. He should be in Nollywood movies like his brother.
Husband: He does not have a Nollywood actor brother.
Wife: See Another Goal in less than a minute.
Husband: No. It is called action replay.
Wife: Looks like Enyimba is going to win this match.
Husband: It is not Enyimba. It is Man U vs Chelsea.
Wife: Why is the umpire calling for a Firing Squad.
Husband: He is called a center referee and he is not calling for a firing Squad. It's a free Kick.
Wife: Did the spectators not pay for the tickets? Why is it a Free Kick?
Husband: (mute, not uttering a word).
Wife: Now is the center umpire talking to his wife on the phone?
Husband: He is communicating with his lines man.
Wife: Why is he showing only red and yellow cards. Is there not any Blue card or something?
Frustrated husband turns off the TV.
*Wife turns it on and watches "African Magic".
*Husband: Who is this Mercy Johnson?
Wife: Listen to what they are saying and Don't disturb me.
Smart babe huh? Hehehehehe

The Sense In Robbery

During a robbery in Guangzhou, China, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional” Focus only on what you are trained to do!

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got."

The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience.” Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called "Swim with the tide.” Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."

This is called "Killing Boredom.” Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity.” Daring to take risks!

So who are the real robbers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

YAHOO BOY

Akpos: Hello? Who am I speaking with Pls?
Yahoo boy: Ah, don't u know who is calling?
Akpos: No I don't, the number is restricted.
Yahoo boy: How is Ligeria?
Akpos: Nigeria is fine but who am I speaking with?
Yahoo boy: It's your friend from London.
Akpos: I have a couple of friends in London
which of them is this?
Yahoo boy: Just guess.
Akpos: Em, is it Fatai?
Yahoo boy: Yes! It's me Fatai!
Akpos: Ah! Fatai! Looonggg time no see, how now? How is London?
Yahoo boy: London is fine, how is Ligeria?
Akpos: Nigeria dey there o, the usual wahala, Ehen! The other day I saw ur mother , she is very sick o, dat was two weeks ago, I am sure she should be dead by now....
Yahoo boy: Ah!
Akpos: Yes o, your father's house in the village rainstorm blew away the roof and it landed on the old mans legs and shattered them, he is at Ogwa presently ......
Yahoo boy: Shuuooooo:O!
Akpos: ....yes o, the bone mender says it will not heal because he has diabetes, later they said tetanus has entered already, the man is quarter togo, your younger brother went to smoke Igbo with those bad boys and since then the guy kolo, he is in Uselu psychiatric now, your elder brother went to a burial at Ugbegunebudin he went to drink anyhow there, they nack am epilepsy there, he is just falling every time .....
Yahoo boy: Haaaaa!!!!!
Akpos: ...wait o, there is more, your sister carry belle, e go do aborti ....
Yahoo boy: You wait! E don do for you! I reject everything you say in Jesus name! Those things will never happen to me....
Akpos: Ah! Is this not Fatai, they have already happened ...
Yahoo boy: I am not Fatai, you idiot, na God go punish u.
Akpos: Na devil go solder ur mouth, no go find work bloody thief! 419...wait make I burn your credit small, idiot..

The Pizza Delivery Boy

The C.E.O of a company was walking in the factory to see how the staff are working. He noticed a guy leaning against the wall doing nothing; He approached the man and asked him, "How much do you earn?" The guy was amazed and said, $20.000. sir". The C.E.O. took out his wallet and gave the guy $120.000 and yelled at him, "I pay people here to work and not waste time. This is your 6months salary, now Get out of here, and don't say a word and NEVER come back........... "After the man had gone,,,,,the C.E.O now looked at other workers and asked, " By the way, who was that guy?"

The workers replied, "He was the pizza delivery guy sir......"

 

TRUE CONFESSIONS OF A PLAYBOY
I was walking down the street sometime ago when I saw a beautiful Bugatti parked on the side way. I stopped for a minute to admire it...just then I saw a beautiful hot chick coming down the road. Whats a brother gonna do? I quickly moved near the car, kicked a bit at the tires and stood by the side of the door. I could see her staring at me, sure enough she has fallen for me already (I thought to myself) she walked towards me, I composed myself and faked a call to my meachanic while leaning on the door. Just then she approached me and said, "Excuse me!" I pretended not to hear as I blew big amounts of money for the spare parts. After a minute she again said, "excuse me sir!" I lowered my phone and said "just a second sweetheart, let me conclude my last order" as I moved away from the door at this moment I was sure she had fallen for me, as I could tell from her impatience...but just as I moved away from the door, she opened her bag removed the car keys, opened the door, entered and sped off!
Im still ashamed, if you are asking....

 The interview

Some journalists were interviewing children across the world on what they would like to become when they grow up. The first person was Indian. "what would you like to become when you grow up?" " I would like to be a software Engineer he replied." Second Boy from America:

"I would like to become a pilot." Third Boy from China: "I would like to become a Neurosurgeon"   The interview continued until it got to Akpors, representing Nigeria. Interviewer: "What would you like to become when you grow up?" Akpors answered, "Person wey never chop dey grow? Abeg gimme food chop!"

 PASTOR AND THE WIVES

Recently, a pastor was with a women’s congregation and he made these requests of them:

Pastor (question): Can those with husbands raise up their hands?

Ladies: (They all raised their hands).

Pastor (question): How many of you love your husbands?

Ladies: (They all raised their hands)

Pastor (question): Are you sure ladies before God? Can I prophesy?

Ladies: Yes!!!

Pastor (question): When did you last tell your husbands that “you love him?"

Ladies: (Various answers but some of them said)- “today when leaving the house”, “last night”, "when we went to bed”, “This morning when I
woke up”, etc...etc...

Pastor: Each one of you should send a message of “I love you” to your husband right now.

Ladies: They all sent the text message “I love you” 2der hubbies

Pastor said: Now exchange your phones pls

Ladies: They all exchanged their phones

Pastor: Read out loud the replies from ur husbands pls.

Below are the replies to the messages from their various husbands:

1. Is this message lost???

2. Aaaah who is this??? Sori wrong number pls.

3. Am I dreaming??

4. What is the matter!!??

5. What exactly do you mean??!!

6. You need money again abi???!!?

7. Hey! Did you smash my car???!!!

8.The message should be sent back to the intended owner!!!!

9. To hell Jor!!!!!!!!!

10. I will beat you to death today until you tell me to whom the message was intended for!!!!!! Heheheheheheh LWKMDH